Porn Flakes and Crabs Macaroni & Dickcheese

< < < WARNING: Adult content. > > >

During the winter of 2001, I was in between jobs. To tie me over whilst unemployed, a former colleague invited me to babysit his eBay-based business that sold reconditioned laptops out of his apartment while he took a trip to Cancun with his new dame. A good man, that Jay Hornswoggle.

What did Jay have in his creaky Old Louisville apartment, under his mattress? Porn mags. Actual slicks that, incomprehensibly, they continued to publish and sell at Blue Movies in the year 2001 (before they tore down Blue Movies and replaced it with a sports bar). This was also ironic because Jay had a pretty solid internet connection for 2001.

Upon ensuring that none of Jay’s porn mags’ pages were stuck together, and now touched by his entrepreneurial spirit, I got the idea to devise my own product line. All I needed was scissors, glue, and an inkjet printer... plus some common groceries I could buy at the Kroghetto down the street. Upon completion, I didn’t use Jay’s eBay account to try to sell my wares, but I did put them up for auction under my own name.

Here was my pitch:

*** Porn Flakes ***

 *** Crabs Macaroni & Dickcheese ***

 *** ButtNuggets and PubeCakes ***

ONE-OF-A-KIND PIECES!

Don't miss your chance to get these

authentic 100% unique novelty products.
No others like them in the world.

"Perfect gifts for the depraved, disgusting,

social degenerate in your life."

 

These fine antiquities, hand-crafted in the USA,

date as far back as 1994.

All items bundled for one sale.
So… ACT NOW!

Sold AS IS… 

(Some items slightly worn from the natural decomposition
caused by sitting quietly in a closet.) 

Must be 18 to purchase.

 

~~  PLUS  ~~

Order now to receive this special bonus—a rare collector’s item.*

A genuine TERMINATOR 2 holographic wristwatch!

 *Probably not a collector’s item.

-- ADDENDUM --

[April 12, 2014]

The Sta-Green® company yoinked my trade name.

That's ok.
They specialize in treating a different kind of undergrowth.

-- ADDENDUM --

[May 13, 2014]
My friend just reminded me of a time 20 years ago, when I would write the names of some of these yummy treats on my poor mom's grocery list.
I'll never forget her coming home from Kroger and telling me, "I couldn't find Areola Rounds."