July
15, 2016
The
Office of Mayor Greg Fischer
527
W Jefferson Street # 600
Louisville,
KY 40202
Dear
Mayor Fischer,
I
find it unacceptable that today I spent precisely 59 minutes driving around
Louisville in order to transport myself a total of 5.7 miles to my destination.
This was due to an egregious lack of communication from city officials
regarding the stupid Forecastle event (which is actually pretty awesome),
including the countless roadblocks and construction sites that inhibited my
vector.
Upon
leaving my office in Old Louisville at exactly 5:00 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time,
I made the mistake of driving my jalopy to Brook Street in an attempt to
connect with Witherspoon and then River Road. Whilst on Brook Street, I was
shocked to discover a mass egress of pedestrians leaving the Waterfront area,
whence I sat at the corner of Brook and Market for like 20 minutes. At one
point, I thought I might die in my car—not from a wreck, but from old age. Further,
I was waaaay more shocked to find
that Witherspoon was actually blockaded for southbound travel, so I found
myself trapped in a dead-end impasse like a rat in a maze, with no cheese at
the end!
 |
|
Inset
of Chris’s crappy waste-of-time downtown journey today.
|
I
was utterly stunned that there were no road signs nor public messaging that I
would encounter a roadblock. Holy shit!
How can this be? I thought. Fortunately, I managed to snake my way out of
that mess (because I am a genius) and went, yes, 12.9 miles out of my way to not sit in traffic with the rest of
those suckers. I drove north, then west, then south. Then east, then north
again.
During
this process, I witnessed six near-collisions—including two with me—and watched
two people on foot nearly be murdered by drivers who were (rightfully so)
luxuriating in their road rage. Fortunately, I myself can remain cool under
these extreme circumstances. (You should hire me.)
The
deals is: This bootless errand could have been avoided with proper messaging
and public awareness. Thereby, and herewith, I am invoicing the City of
Louisville for precisely 1.2 gallons of fuel for my Honda Civic. By today’s local prices, that equates to (12.9
miles / 29 MPG = 0.4448275862068966 x
$2.25 =) $1.00*
I
want to thank you for your exemplary leadership of our fair city, and for your
attention to this matter.
WAARLOWE Q. JOHNSON
No comments:
Post a Comment